Why A 50 Year Old Woman Don’t Give A Damn

Picture, if you will, the next few scenarios I am about to share that, as of late, have become extremely commonplace in my daily walk. Scenarios that I have to laugh about and make light or I might punch someone in the titty one day. I encourage you to continue reading at your leisure but also to turn around NOW if you scare easily. If you’re a lady under 50, I recommend you take notes. If you’re a lady over 50…use this as comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. Hopefully some giggles erupt over some of the crap that is our penance to Aunt Flo for finally getting rid of her for good and WITHOUT being due to a pregnancy. LOL!!!

{Sending out a round of celebratory high fives as we have finally arrived!}

My day began something like this. While walking back to the bedroom this morning to try and remember why I had originally walked to the kitchen, I sneezed unexpectedly and tweaked the back that had JUST started feeling a little better from a lake weekend where we spent two nights in an unfamiliar bed, all while starting to sweat profusely in a room that is clearly 68 degrees, per the thermostat. Sound familiar?

Just the thought of that moment had me shaking my head in disbelief, but it reminded me of the other day while I was talking to my husband about a new hangout spot we had built in our back yard. I was trying to tell him that I wanted a new set of “things” for which I could not think of the English word to save my life. A new sitting spot where the two new “things” would be almost facing each other with a small table in between to put drinks while sharing a delightful conversation or a hearty laugh. Chairs! I wanted a new set of CHAIRS! I could verbalize that I found them on Amazon at a great price, they could be delivered the same week and they were comfy because I had sat in one several times at the salon where my daughter works. But I could NOT think of the word CHAIR! What is wrong with my brain?! I am a writer and the main thing that makes a writer a writer is the use of words! And I couldn’t think of a basic, everyday, mundane word such as CHAIR. LOL! Well, guess what. I’m going to turn this into an infomercial and say “But wait…there’s more!”

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your meds! ~ Quote by Maxine, created by John Wagner and copyright owned by Hallmark Licensing, LLC

All of my friends and family know that I have been a long time fan of Hallmark movies; watched them every Saturday and Sunday morning before the rest of the household woke up since 2018 and occasionally during a week night if we don’t sit outside on our back porch after work. But now, when I sit in the recliner, that magic recliner dust, to which all 50-and-aboves become allergic, kicks in and the Hallmark starts watching me. My how quickly those roles reverse! {smh}

To allow this story more time to unfold, I can say that most of you know I’m a Hospice Social Worker and have been for a lot of years now, which keeps me in my car the majority of the day driving from patient to patient. Once I’m inside the patient’s home, I typically sit some more. Nowadays, if there is more than a 45 minute drive between patients, my left hip, which I now refer to as “my old lady hip”, IS GOING to start doing this thing where it feels inflamed or pinched and the only thing that will make it stop is to stand up and stop stressing it out by sitting on it too long. Is this what my sweet little southern Grandmama who used to drive a tractor to rake hay every summer and fried the BEST fried chicken this side of the Mississippi used to call “the bursitis”?! Did I finally come of age and earn my BURSITIS and is this my BURSITIS ACTING UP?!? Damn. LOL!!!

And for the love of all that is Holy and good, please don’t create a minor inconvenience for me…I will literally blow up inside…internally combust…and even though I have a very experienced, professional-grade poker face and can bite my tongue with the best of them…just don’t. This is to protect your feelings, not mine. Mine can’t be hurt any longer because I don’t have any. (It is currently in question as to whether menopause or all of these years as a social worker stole said feelings. The jury is still out, but what I can tell you though is that they…for certain…ain’t there! LOL!!!) So help me, help you…and just don’t. =)

This would be a good place to also insert “zero tolerance for dumb”. But that could be a whole post to itself, so let me NOT go down that rabbit hole today.

I now cry if the hubby doesn’t snuggle with me before falling asleep…is he mad at me…is he rethinking his choice to marry me…does my breath stink…are my hairy legs grossing him out. Yet, starts sweating the second hubby snuggles; sad to mad in a tenth of a second. Dammmittttt. (To be clear, not mad at him of course…just the stupidity of this whole situation. LOL!)

Seriously.

I know.

I can’t even stand myself some days. LOLOLOL!!!

And finally, we can’t leave out the fact that oftentimes I wake up in the middle of the night with my elbow KILLING ME and fingers and hand hurting; yet my fingers and hand are strangely numb at the same time. All because I chose to sleep on my belly with my elbow bent at too severe of an angle. Heaven forbid you should bend a bendy thing and rest your head on it for a while expecting no consequences other than some comfy sleep, because there are definitely consequences other than comfy sleep. (Insert millionth eye roll in this spot.)

Good times folks! Good times.

So this is me. This is my life now. LOL!!! I don’t even know if my RBF is really RBF anymore. It might need to be changed to RMF. Resting Menopause Face! (Insert sinister giggling in this spot.)

This my friend, is an excellent depiction of “Why a 50 Year Old Woman Don’t Give A Damn”. She is tired, she hates dumb and dumb is everywhere, she is dealing with aches and pains that have comical origins, gets hot for no apparent reason other than her hormones think she should sweat like a man digging ditches by hand in south Florida in the middle of August…RIGHT NOW…not later. Right now. She simply no longer has the energy to filter what comes out of her mouth because of ALL THE THINGS. LOL!!!

Shaking my head as I sit here and sip my coffee and think the next post should be written in honor of all the men who live with us, don’t kill us and never lock us up in the shed for some peace…though they consider it daily! Cuz, man! Truth be told, y’all are the real MVP’s! Coffee cups all over raised to you guys! Right ladies?!?

~paula