When Did I Lose Me?

I’m not certain when it happened. But somewhere along the way, I lost me.

I lost the me that loved spontaneity…the me that tried new restaurants on opening night. I lost the me that watched movies in the actual theater…the me that went out of town on a whim…the me that read a good book until 2am. I lost the me that would go to a friend’s house for dinner…as well as the me that invited friends for dinner. I even lost the me that would go to the beach with friends for long weekends. I lost the me that would shop all day on Saturday, do lunch and dinner before going home…shopping that was more about restaurants-with-friends than the actual shopping. God, where did that me go?

I think the last year we had with mom, knowing her time was short, made me lose the self that I once was. I had to rethink who I was and actually set that me aside for a minute. I certainly wouldn’t have had it any other way. But I now have to rethink the old me and decide who I am now that she isn’t here.

I’m now a daughter whose mama has passed on. I’m a daughter who has to use phrases like ‘I can hear mom say…’ or ‘before Mom passed’ or ‘if Mom were here she’d…’. I mean, I never wanted to be able to use those phrases. I didn’t sign up for that.

From February of last year when Mom was diagnosed with Cancer to January of this year when she passed, every single weekend and weeknight I felt guilty to do anything that wasn’t family related; guilty to do anything that would throw away precious time. And for the most part, I didn’t. I don’t think I even wanted to do anything but be with family…especially her. Time’s value escalated so tremendously during that short little year.

I’m not sure who “they” are, but “they” say the whole first year can be difficult because of the firsts. The first Birthday without, the first Mother’s Day without, the first Christmas without…well, even the first surgery without her was different. My hubby had surgery recently and this was the first time my little mama was not there in that waiting room with me. Goodness, did I need Mom there? Did I for some reason require her presence? No. I just wanted her there; missed her chatter; missed her making sure lunch didn’t pass without food. How different life is now.

How cliche it is to say life goes on. Time continues to march swiftly to whatever destination it has always been drawn. I continue to keep moving with it out of sheer momentum because if I don’t keep moving, in some way I know I will drowned. Keeping busy is the name of this game.

I really don’t know when I’ll find me again. Some days I think I already know this new, partially recognizable me. But then there are days like several days during the past two weeks, when what I’d really like to have done was just sit with Mom and tell her how my day went, cuz you know what, some were pretty crappy. But this is the me that doesn’t have a mom to sit with or call. I don’t necessarily like this me but, this is me regardless of what I want…so for now it will have to do.

Sipping coffee and wondering if I’ll like the me I find at the end of all this grief. ~paula

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I only know how to tell you about me by telling you the things that I love, enjoy and can't seem to get enough of. I love worshiping Jesus by serving on the praise team at our church. My mama taught me the love of music and I intend to carry out that life until God says that's enough. My next love is my family; nothing better than time spent with the folks I call mine. My favorite place on this earth and where I can hear "me" best is a good ol', white sanded beach where the waves crash out every distraction; leaving only thoughts that are my own. I have other loves, but these are a great beginning. Maybe you'll learn more while you share a cup of Coffee with Paula. (See what I did there? Ha!)

6 thoughts on “When Did I Lose Me?”

  1. Paula, I understand completely how you feel. I catch myself thinking, ” I wonder if anyone told mom……” It’s hard to be left behind. I always wanted a daughter, maybe I can stand in for your mom sometime until we see her again.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The new me/life can be challenging. Tears are still shed as I smile and think of my mom and Nancy. Life truly is short. Wish more people took the time to enjoy their families. I find myself looking up towards Heaven and talking to both of them along the way. I thank God for the impact they made on numerous lives along the way. I can also find laughter/smiles through the tears. How blessed we are!! One last thought. We must be doing pretty good since a boat has not be needed on our road as we cried. Hope you smiled and chuckled some. I love you!! Kerry

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Nothing more important on this earth than family. Cherishing every moment is a must! I’ve been expecting to have to use the pontoon boat but so far haven’t had to. Ha!!! And love you right back! =)


  3. I loved this entry because I feel the same…where did the old Kathi go? Marriage. Kids. Jobs.Homes somehow morphs us (women) into a stranger? We are unaware it’s happening as it happens gradually. Then when we are old, fat and gray-headed or we lose someone we love, we take time to look back. This is my first school year not to have mom with me…she used to help me prep my classroom at the beginning of the year.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m slowly finding myself. It’s been an extremely difficult process. Lots of tears. Lots of moments I wanted to give up. But this journey has been so worth it. So very worth it. 🥰


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