When Did I Lose Me?

I’m not certain when it happened. But somewhere along the way, I lost me.

I lost the me that loved spontaneity…the me that tried new restaurants on opening night. I lost the me that watched movies in the actual theater…the me that went out of town on a whim…the me that read a good book until 2am. I lost the me that would go to a friend’s house for dinner…as well as the me that invited friends for dinner. I even lost the me that would go to the beach with friends for long weekends. I lost the me that would shop all day on Saturday, do lunch and dinner before going home…shopping that was more about restaurants-with-friends than the actual shopping. God, where did that me go?

I think the last year we had with mom, knowing her time was short, made me lose the self that I once was. I had to rethink who I was and actually set that me aside for a minute. I certainly wouldn’t have had it any other way. But I now have to rethink the old me and decide who I am now that she isn’t here.

I’m now a daughter whose mama has passed on. I’m a daughter who has to use phrases like ‘I can hear mom say…’ or ‘before Mom passed’ or ‘if Mom were here she’d…’. I mean, I never wanted to be able to use those phrases. I didn’t sign up for that.

From February of last year when Mom was diagnosed with Cancer to January of this year when she passed, every single weekend and weeknight I felt guilty to do anything that wasn’t family related; guilty to do anything that would throw away precious time. And for the most part, I didn’t. I don’t think I even wanted to do anything but be with family…especially her. Time’s value escalated so tremendously during that short little year.

I’m not sure who “they” are, but “they” say the whole first year can be difficult because of the firsts. The first Birthday without, the first Mother’s Day without, the first Christmas without…well, even the first surgery without her was different. My hubby had surgery recently and this was the first time my little mama was not there in that waiting room with me. Goodness, did I need Mom there? Did I for some reason require her presence? No. I just wanted her there; missed her chatter; missed her making sure lunch didn’t pass without food. How different life is now.

How cliche it is to say life goes on. Time continues to march swiftly to whatever destination it has always been drawn. I continue to keep moving with it out of sheer momentum because if I don’t keep moving, in some way I know I will drowned. Keeping busy is the name of this game.

I really don’t know when I’ll find me again. Some days I think I already know this new, partially recognizable me. But then there are days like several days during the past two weeks, when what I’d really like to have done was just sit with Mom and tell her how my day went, cuz you know what, some were pretty crappy. But this is the me that doesn’t have a mom to sit with or call. I don’t necessarily like this me but, this is me regardless of what I want…so for now it will have to do.

Sipping coffee and wondering if I’ll like the me I find at the end of all this grief. ~paula